Forgiveness is the Heart of Healing

"Forgiveness is the heart of healing" (thank you Cantrell Maryott for that inspiration)

How on earth do you go about forgiving people that have hurt you? What does forgiveness look like? What does it actually mean and how do we know when we have achieved it?

In my own experience I have found saying the words "I forgive" much easier than actually doing it. I have at times genuinely believed that I have forgiven someone only to find that the anger and hurt resurfaces at a later date. The old saying "to forgive and to forget" must surely be at the be at the core of the human journey and the pinnacle of human achievement.

The topic of forgiveness has come up in conversation a lot for me recently. I was handed an interesting insight on forgiveness just the other night...

Instead of seeing forgiveness as something we attain, achieve or do can we see it differently so that it becomes a state of being which is a reflection of the place we have come to within ourselves. So instead of saying "I decide to forgive insert name" we recognise that "I am at peace within myself and I can see that because I recognise forgiveness within my heart".

If you have been following this blog then you will remember in a previous posting that I offered the opinion that if you pursue something it moves away from you and if you fight something you just make it stronger. Perhaps forgiveness is like that: the more you pursue it or try to do it the more elusive it becomes and the further you feel from healing and inner peace.

Because what is forgiveness at all if not inner peace? For me forgiveness is about the release of attachments to  a particular person or phase in your life. It is about acknowledging that you and that person are on your own paths. Perhaps it's realising that you and that person have different versions of the same truth and you are at peace with your own truth and no longer feel the need to force that onto them, you allow them their truth.

Forgiveness is an state of generosity not an act of generosity. You are forgiving when you no longer experience conflict within your own heart.

I believe that to hear the words "I forgive you" and to believe them is the single most relieving experience.

Because surely the person we most need to forgive is ourselves. Talking from direct personal experience here do we not all oscillate between blaming others and blaming ourselves? How easy is it to say "I'm an idiot" "I can't believe I fell for their lies" "I'm such a sucker, I'm weak, I'm pathetic" and for your inner coach to rally you by saying "actually no, you're not an idiot for believing them, they lied, they are the liar, what a bastard!" and for your inner soft-touch to say "but they had issues, they had a hard childhood" and then for another voice to say "it keeps happening to me (poor me) I must deserve it" cue inner coach "you don't deserve that, you deserve better" and on and on and on and on.

Breathe.

Take a moment to imagine what it would be like to see yourself and those people that have hurt you in the most compassionate way. See yourself as a beautiful and complex divine creature with sensitivities and needs, gifts and wisdom. All the things that you perceive you may have done wrong or to deserve to be treated badly... can you release them? Why does that way of thinking serve you? If you acted out of sensitivity can you not love and forgive that sensitivity... after all you are human and you are not the only person on the planet with sensitivity and it is integral to who you are, love it... because it is part of you.

And when you can view yourself with self love and self respect can you hold the people that have hurt you under the same light and scrutiny. Are they not beautiful and complex and sensitive and have needs like all other human beings? Is it possible that they are trapped in cycles of self hatred, despair and negative self talk the same as you? Is it possible that affects their relationships same as you?

Can you find an example from another area of your life where you now view a difficult experience as one of the best things that could have happened to you? Maybe you were bullied but that made you strong. Maybe you were unloved but that made you care for others. Maybe you had a trauma but emerged more spiritual from it.

Can you apply that here? A philosophical angle that eventually would lead to gratitude for that difficult experience (see previous post on gratitude).

So let me draw this to a close. Forgiveness, to me, as I have said, is not something you say or do but something that you are, it is a state of being. That state is a state of inner peace that sees internal conflict and attachment to a particular phase in our lives gradually cease. Inner peace comes from self love and compassion for ourselves and for others. Forgiveness is a high state of compassion. Until you forgive yourself forgiving others cannot be. Until we forgive others we will never "forget" and when I say forget I mean move on, be at peace, live in the present moment.

So how can we be in the present moment, cease inner conflict, release attachments to the past and most importantly love ourselves?

Meditation. Yoga and meditation (for me is the perfect way). Take a moment to meditate on the heart. Be still. Breathe deeply. Imagine that at your heart is a pool of unconditional love. As each thought or judgement occurs to you imagine that you immerse it in that pool of love and that it dissolves. Breathe into it and through it. Allow emotions that surface to spill their rain and move on, remain detached from them.

You are not your thoughts. You are not your emotions. You are the Observer of your thoughts and emotions. Don't allow them to identify you and define you.

And as the thoughts and judgements continue to be drowned in the pool of love at your heart eventually they will still and cease. Peace is all there is.

This takes time, this takes practice and if you need help from a teacher ask for it, it doesn't happen overnight. But try to take time every day to clear the mind and be in stillness. Where there is stillness there is peace, where there is peace there is forgiveness.

And remember... to err is human, to forgive divine.

You are divine xxx